So here it ends. Our great adventures together on this Earth are over, my beloved companion of so many years. You died on Tuesday, 27 September at 5 pm, in my arms like my sister and mom before you, not too long ago. Cruel destiny to be always the one who gets to stay and watch her beloved go. But in some way it comforts me that it was me, not you, to endure this sharp pain that always comes at the very moment of separation. You were too pure, too innocent to be contaminated by this sadness. I wanted you to go the way it happened, still wagging your tail and looking at me with your big, trusting brown eyes. Convinced that once again I could make it better, saving your life once more, erasing even cancer from your blood and tissues. I couldn't and I knew. Therefore, had to be strong for you, choosing to give up few more months of your precious company to spare you further pains.
I have been there before, and it isn't easy. But an innocent creature totally depending on you is like a baby, and playing God to them is so tough! What I want to remember, though, is your incredible joy de vivre, your spunk and playfulness, your courage and loyalty. I still have in mind the expression that I saw on your face, that very day in 2002, when by distraction I let the wax of a candle spill down the heather. Right away, the heather burst into high flames. You were scared of fire, like all animals, and ran for the door, while I ran for blankets. Minutes after, I was still franctically battling the flames, trying to avoid a tragedy that will involve not only me, when I sensed something behind my back. I turned my head and there you were, shaking with terror but standing in the face of danger. Waiting for me, barking to warn me but refusing to leave alone. Pure love vs. survival instinct, 5 -1.
The funny thing is, you weren't even "my" dog by then. Technically, you were still my ex's, who bought you 6 years earlier on the Venice boardwalk for $10 when you were a puppy, few weeks old. Kevin and I had just separated, and you had stayed with me, for a "temporary" time that resulted in 9 more years (thanks goodness!!!). Kevin couldn't care for a sick dog, who had been diagnosed with a fatal illness. He gave you a good life when you were young and strong, pulling his 6' 1'' and 180 lbs. frame on a skateboard, swift like the wind. He took you to work to his antiques store every day, and that is where I met you in 1999,taking back my then-just-friend from a sweat lodge on a Monday night.
You sprang into the passenger door of my car at record speed, jumping in his lap first, then in mine, yelping and biting fingers, licking both our faces, barking to make your loud voice heard. An hurricane of a dog! You had me at the first bark, instant love at first sight, irreparably charmed. You were 100% fun, to the last hair of your black and brown fur, good looking outcome of a German sheperd-pitbull mix. "Mutt", as Kevin always reminded you, adding "you're a 10 dollar-dog, buddy, get your airs down! you're not one of those spoiled pure breed, chick dogs".
"Chick dog" you became 3 years later, when you chose (let's admit the truth) to remain with me. But remembering your nature of beach wolf, did I take you on so many incredible adventures! Road dog to the bones, you travelled with me by car and plane (once even by boat but better not to recall that sick episode!) You followed me from Los Angeles to South Dakota, and then even to Italy when my sister got sick. You saw the redwood forests in Big Sur and the Gran Canyon in Arizona. It was mountains, deserts and oceans, no lmit to your thirst for the road. You were a soul rider just like me. Happy, happy, happy as soon as I was packing your gear making it clear that, yes, oh yes!, "Moki's coming" on this next, promising, surprising trip. Here we went to another unknown destination and roadside attraction, anticipation flowing into our respective veins.
You moved together with me, your nomadic girl-(human)-friend, to six more houses before settling in this, the house on top of a canyon hill with the huge, wild backyard populated by hawks, coyote, raccoons and squirrels that was (still is) your kingdom. And yet, to the last day, you couldn't give up your daily rides in the car, looking for new scents and unfamilar wonders. As soon as I got up from my desk, where you "sit" with me trying to help my concentration and (in) ability to stay still so that I could write, you were alert and ready for the magic words. "Let's go out", in a jump you were by the door, showing me your leash and wagging your tail like a puppy again, one month short of 15!
What a dog you've been! What strength you kept in spite of all challenges. And as much as I feel deprived now of your warm and joyful presence, I choose to focus on all the gifts I had living with you, through you. I am a better person thanks to you. Anatole France (whom I would not quote for else) said once that a part of oneself awakens only after knowing a dog's love. I believe it's true and feel privileged to be among those who experienced such love.I have been lucky to partake so many years of your life. I don't know if there is a dog heaven (not even ift there is a people heaven, to be honest) but if there is, you certainly belong there. What I know is that your spirit can now soar like the golden eagle who yesterday came circling upon me, as soon as I planted your last chicken strip on top of Topanga Canyon, one of your favorite hunting grounds, as the simplest and most meaningful memorial I could think of.
Happy runs, my four-legged bundle of love! Happy rides and happy hunts, far away and still so close since I can feel you trotting, behind and sometimes -often!- before me, any (magical) where I go.
Happy travels, Moki the Beach Wolf. Journeys do not end for Moki, the Road Dog!
Alison, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for commenting here and letting me know. I feel your pain too, it is heart-breaking but we got to remember the good times and let then put a smile back on our faces.
Carmen, I am sure Moki enjoyed each one of your words, you know how vain it was. BTW, he told me "carmen forgot to say one only thing, how handsome I was". That dog!
Posted by: Gloria | November 07, 2011 at 05:11 PM
We said goodbye to our dog yesterday, i was googling looking for the words that could express how I feel, and you have done that for me. I thank you for these words. Alison
Posted by: alison telford | November 05, 2011 at 01:10 AM
Carmen, :)!
Posted by: Gloria | October 03, 2011 at 03:42 PM
Oh, Gloria. I feel your heart in every word. Bless bless you, for your courage and compassion, always, even in the midst of mind-bending, soul-howling heartache. Love love. And dearest Moki, we thank you for sharing your unconditional love, companionship and protection with us. Even in the darkest night I was never afraid to walk you, because your spirit was so huge.
- C
Posted by: Carmen | October 03, 2011 at 12:51 PM