I would hate to sound like Dear Abbey or Donna Letizia (this reference intended only for my Italian readers who know who she was). I am NOT a wise chrone neither am I somebody who believes in "how to's" good for anybody.But you guys kept insisting while I was trying to deny hearing your cries for help. Then a smart-enough-ass reader of my blog found the right chord to strike challenging me.
"You write in your book about inspiring women's recipes you are willing to share. Why not share your owns?". Bingo!
So here I am, feeling as silly as never before, and this time I commit to tell you how is it that I can be friend again with people who hurt my feelings in the past. Because, yes, I will admit it here once--but this will be the last time you hear it-- I had my feelings hurt too. And no, I haven't been so damn lucky in life to deal only with wonderful people who made possible to go through "the tragedies of life" without being affected by them.
Rule Number One. Simply, first and foremost, I refuse to consider having my feelings hurt a huge tragedy. I mean, you live. You WILL have your feelings hurt sometimes if you refuse to live life in a constant guarded state. If you want to be trusting, if you want to share your true and deeper emotions without being defensive, if you want to live intensely, you will eventually get hurt. Better to acknowledge that. And like in a boxing ring, you get hurt, you fall down, you cry and scream if you like (but please do this privately, don't rant, don't make a huge scene, don't be a drama queen!) Then eventually you get on your feet again. And, boy, isn't that a fantastic feeling? Better feel like a gladiator than a rabbit, huh?
Rule Number Two. Take 50% of responsibility. It does not matter if you are totally convinced that the other person is a jerk, self-absorbed bitch unable to see beyond her narrow needy point of view. Who cares? Even if you are totally right and she is wrong (WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!), which is unlikely, who cares? Try to consider your opponent "inability" just that. For whatever reason, in this moment she cannot see things the way you are seeing them. This makes a difference in opinions and, yes, can generate conflict. But a conflict of opinions is NOT a horrible tragedy. And if earlier on, you two had no conflicts and an ideal mutual understanding, try not to think that the present absence of communication is determined only by the other person's change of heart which made her the monster you cannot now recognize as your former lover/partner/friend.
Rule Number Three. Don't forget but forgive. And be fair. Keep things between the two of you. I mean, you can obviously talk to friends about the conflict you are having with your friend/partner/lover, particularly if you think it might help you to get different perspectives on it. But avoid to reveal things of the other person's personal life that you came to know because of your former special bond. And also avoid to litter your ex's reputation. There is really no need and no excuse for this. You don't need to gain sympathy to your side pointing out all the failures she previously had in other relationships and partnerships. Quite the opposite, use the present situation to examine your own previous experiences and see if there is a repetitive pattern. If there is, you have to admit it and not allow that it will happen again with somebody else. You are not a victim unless you want to, put it in your mind once and forever. Once you'll feel strong enough to achieve this self-confidence, believe me. You will be free of your past enough to befriend this person again. In fact, if you liked her before, it is very likely that you have seen qualities in her you really appreciated. Why not to enjoy them again? I can concede that you might be a little more on guard in the second "match", knowing your "opponent's" low blows, but give her the benefit of recovery. She might feel more confident and secure herself now, able to avoid falling back in the same pitfalls, exactly as you are.
It is good anyway to exercise some humbleness. It feels good to believe that you are on the same level of the people around you. Standing alone on a pedestal waiting to be honored with a piece of metal-medal will not help you to feel better nor will heal your emotional being. Be aware that you are connected to the rest of the humankind (and that your friends' are a microcosm of it), either you like it or not. It might help you more.
Gloria rules!
Posted by: f | July 21, 2009 at 07:52 AM