Somebody Else's Dream

My dreams have always been bigger than a good looking house with a white picket fence in the suburbs.But you know how it is. Insecurity plays a role and after three years spent always been in somebody else's places and feeling spaced out, I guess I also adopted dreams that were not mine.

Now that the American dream or at least the most obsolete part of it vanished from my concerns, some other kind of dream has to fit in. I was hoping that my natural inclination to dare and launch myself in ambitious projects that can benefit not only the smallness of myself would kick in. But guess what? I am missing the energy. I feel tired and I am lacking motivation.

I know every little bit of self help needed for this kind of situation and yet, I am missing motivation even to help myself. Hugh!

Had I not already realized that something was going on, my dreaming self came to "rescue". Very tough close call, though. I dreamed one of the worst  nightmares I ever had. Would not go into  scary details but summing up, my sister Marina was alive and to say the truth, much more lively than she had been in the last two years and half of her life. They wanted to bury her just the same and she was so afraid that I had to gain back recognition and trust to convince her to let me help her escape.

I ran away with Marina in the car, then pushed her off toward the woods assuring that another person would pick her up on the other side of the hill. This person was supposed to signal me in our secretly agreed code right after the few minutes needed to drive my sister away to safety.

Too many minutes went by. No signal came and I started to sweat. I woke up with this horrible feeling of not being able to rescue my sister once again. And that little nice house supposed to represent some kind of safety nest I was looking for just a few days ago? It now seems even stranger than this place in the Bergamo hills, equally Martian to my heart desire.

I am not having a guilt trip. Shit happens, I know. I cannot make it NOT happen to anybody. Not even my sister. But without her, I find it very difficult to still feel and dream like I used to. I find it hard to be the same person I was or a new better one. I just feel like I don't know who I am now and what I wish for. Or if I still have some deep desires and motivation to go for.

And I definitely need to guard myself off somebody else's dream invading my emotions. That is something I KNOW I don't want. I might not know who I am now but I am not that. Not the little self driven woman longing for a house on her own and the status that comes with it. Oh no! I'd better camp in the Black Hills for the years to come rather than become "that."

Please remind me if I ever forget again.